Moving through the ending of toxic relationships can be rough. One morning a couple of years ago I was doing just this – and painfully processing my emotions surrounding the experience. Good Heavens! That’s the thing about toxic relationships – they eat away at your very foundations of well-being and self-confidence. Slowly but surely, drip by acid drip, toxicity corrodes until all becomes fragile and threatens to crumble in upon itself – IF you allow its existence for any length of time.
Most of us have experienced one or two versions of these crazy-making relationships in our lifetimes. Dazzled by the stars in our eyes, we don't initially recognize them for what they are.
It might surprise you to learn that attracting / manifesting unfulfilling or toxic relationships is a signal that there are subconscious programs that need clearing; unproductive energy patterns that need repatterning within ourselves. It actually has nothing at all to do with the other person involved. What we've really created for ourselves is a blessing in disguise.
The journey towards living in full authenticity is often a winding path. Occasional detours may find us lost in the tangled brambles of our own illusions, or amongst the rocks and boulders; consequences of choices made.
You are what you are today because of the choices you made yesterday.
Eventually the illusions we expend so much energy maintaining begin wearing exceedingly thin. One day we wake up, look in the mirror and ask – where did that cheerful smile go? Who is this person with the haunted eyes gazing out from the mirror? ...the kidney infection in my case was a sure sign of toxicity. Kidney issues generally have to do with relationships. Yep - It had to end. And it did!
The Universe does not burden you with a destiny. It provides you with potential. How much of that potential you realize depends upon the choices that you make. At each moment you are given an opportunity to choose. Your path is determined choice by choice – your choices, not the Universe’s ~ Gary Zukov
After the final goodbyes were said, apparently I hadn't yet quite
tortured myself enough. Wondering where I had gone so far off track, I
began retracing my footsteps; searching for that fork in the road where
staying the course to the right might have been the better choice if
something bright and shiny hadn't caught my eye - enticing me to veer
left and off into the brambles.
Distractions, distractions...oh, how I used to love those bright and shiny distractions... even if their reflection can temporarily blind you...
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin. ~ Mother Teresa
On this particular morning, I was mired in the quicksand of processing, processing, Ugh! Or, that’s what I fooled myself into thinking I was doing – retracing my steps, turning over stones, “How in the heck did I ever allow that to go on for as long as it did?” and similar admonishments.
Then, in a moment of clarity, I caught myself in this act of self-berating behavior. It’s so important to practice kindness – on ourselves as well as others; to BE PEACE. One profound act of kindness is to forgive and release, as it’s where true healing begins.
Mistakes are part of living. Everyone make mistakes. Living in a state of perpetual perfection would probably be quite boring and propping up egos is exhausting work. So, I forgave myself completely both for remaining too long where I no longer belonged and then for tearing myself down because of it.
I also realized this was a great opportunity to practice some “productive processing” and use THE PROCESS that Robert Scheinfeld describes in his various writings and as outlined in his latest book, Busting Loose From the Business Game: Mind-Blowing Strategies for Recreating Yourself, Your Team, Your Business, and Everything in Between
Don’t let the title mislead you – it’s not really a book about business in the usually sense. This book is about playing “The Human Game of Life.” You can download a great 36 page free ebook called The Business School of Consciousness that is the first portion of his Busting Loose... print book. It gives you the general concepts and outline of The Process, and how it is being used by people to effectively address every aspect of their lives.
There are entire books written about The Process and what it’s based upon. There’re even some in-depth courses you can take to learn the finer points involved, so to explain this technique completely is well beyond the scope of this article. However, when you experience discomfort of any kind, Scheinfeld instructs you to follow these five steps:
This is a very powerful method of clearing energy blocks by transforming one's perception of the experiences that created them - Shamans would say that we are writing a new story for ourselves.
However, often the toughest step is the first one - finding the courage needed to dive into the deep end of your emotional pain rather than doing what most of us are naturally inclined to do – run away from it.
Already deeply mired in the pain as I was, may as well go for the brass ring, right? Fortunately, being an aroma therapist, I had a friend and ally in this matter - I put a couple drops of peppermint essential oil on the nape of my neck, closed my eyes and within a few moments, was able to dive in deeply, reaching for the bottom. My goal was to feel everything about this experience to its fullest extent and yeah, it was pretty dark down there.
Not being someone who can hang out in the abyssal depths of the lower emotions for long periods, I reached an intense discomfort level pretty quickly. And from this level, somehow, I did see the Truth! I realized that I was so powerful I had created the incredible illusion of pretending to be powerless; of being less than the true beauty and brilliance of who I truly am. If I could do that, what else was I capable of creating?
Here was the beginnings of a new narrative of my experience; one that eventually spoke no longer of toxic relationships. This new story narrated a journey of personal power, understanding and unforeseen blessings.
What a beautiful transformation of perception! A weight lifted off my heart and I felt relief from the heavy lower emotions, as though clouds had parted before rays of sunlight.
I confess I felt satisfied with this measure of relief I had achieved. But apparently my little friend and ally – Peppermint Patty – knew there was much more healing needed on the deeper levels. Even though I thought my Process session was complete, I felt compelled to remain seated with my eyes closed for a few minutes longer…and this is what happened…
In my imagination, I found myself standing in a hallway before a wooden door, open slightly ajar. On the other side of this door dwelt unproductive, non-serving patterns of behavior I chose to put behind me. Those are the polite names for what was actually a very unruly and quite belligerent crowd of nasties. I managed to firmly close the door. But it wouldn't remain closed and kept unlatching to swing open again. Finally, I imagined a wooden crossbar that I set in place bracing the door. There was thumping and pressure behind the door, but it held firm.
Then I turned and looked up the hallway where another door stood open. I could glimpse an expanse of blue sky and fluffy clouds beyond its threshold and moved toward it.
Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. ~ Albert Einstein
In the past, I've had some difficulty imagining myself easily stepping through a doorway or stepping upon a bridge that crosses a chasm. I’ve gotten better at it and can usually do it eventually, but it’s been a challenge for me.
As I approached this doorway however, I saw that it opened into the bright blue sky, the ground far below. And this time - I simply stepped right through with no hesitancy...and flew! I flew above and through those fluffy clouds. Glimpses of countryside far below, I had no idea where I was going and it didn't matter. It was exhilarating!
Soaring through that great expanse of blue, I experienced a huge wave of relief flooding my body - tears of pure joy and release flowed down my cheeks; I vaguely noticed feeling a wide grin spread across my face. Wow! I still get goosebumps from the memory.
Eventually I saw, yep, it was a grand castle in the distance, rising up through the clouds. I banked toward it. Coming closer, I noticed that even though this structure was in the clouds, it was sitting on a hill of solid ground. I came to the castle and landed before its large oaken door. Glancing around briefly, I stepped up to the door just as it began to open...
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.
Now put the foundations under them. ~ Henry David Thoreau
1) Peppermint Essential Oil – is both stimulating and calming. It uplifts and raises the spirit. For emotional healing, peppermint encourages regeneration, self-acceptance, concentration, vitality and vibrancy. However, what I had forgotten – but was so beautifully reminded of that morning – is that peppermint also can stimulate the dreamtime as well, increasing sensitivity, awareness and perception in the dream state. Or in this case, the waking dream state known as imagination.
2) Healing from hurtful experiences doesn’t necessarily require that we revisit every detail or fully relive emotional traumas. Techniques such as EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, or Psych K can promote a healing by releasing the energy blockage that keeps an event active in our systems.
3) In his book, The Lost Mode of Prayer, Gregg Braden details a form of prayer sometimes known as active prayer. It’s another method of transforming perception thus initiating the healing process on all levels of beingness.
4) By the way, simply closing the door on the “belligerent crowd of nasties” as I did in my imagination doesn't mean they no longer exist. You can't just ignore subconscious programs and hope they will behave themselves. They never do. I had to actually go back later and deal with them one by one using various methods such as EFT, Psych K and active prayer to heal and repattern them. It was well worth the effort.
ைღ ☼*♥*~~~ . . * . . * . . * . . * . . * . . * . . * . . * .
Special thanks to Jane Evershed for the use of her wonderful inspirational art and poetry sprinkled generously throughout this website.
(¯`v´¯) ღ ☼ღஜ love♥
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) ღ ☼ light ♥
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`• ¸¸.•¨¯`•`ை ~ Blessings♥
July 31, 2009